If You Give The Shredder A Cupcake
by candelight
Summary: Small continuation in my 'If You Give A' Parody series. If the Shredder's at your door, and threatening to dismember you, you might want to think fast. And if your salvation lies in a cupcake, God help you if you forget the sprinkles.


If You Give The Shredder A Cupcake

愚かな午後! ジャッキーに冒険がある

Small continuation in my 'If You Give A' Parody series. If the Shredder's at your door, and threatening to dismember you, you might want to think fast. And if your salvation lies in a cupcake, God help you if you forget the sprinkles.

Hi, everyone. *Ducks into Sewer, peeks out.*

Additional Drama has been showing its face, lately...(I.e, sick grandfather, college prep, finals, graduation next week, divorce with relatives)-but what's life if you can't take out a little time? ^^

Much love to Jackie-nii, who consented that I use her character for this piece. You rock, hon! *Huggle-glomp-attacks*

_'Life is good.'_

This is a deduction Jackie will absentmindedly make to herself while she's stirring cake batter in the kitchen. The windows are opened just a bit, wafting the rich smell of chocolate in the air. You'll wonder why Cosmetics doesn't work on developing a cocoa perfume-so much more intoxicating then oil.

The nearby laptop is playing her brother's Mozart. She'll start to pour the batter into the cupcake tin, humming lightly to herself. She expects later on, she'll cover the yellow cupcakes with fudge frosting, and vice versa the yellow.

What she ISN'T expecting is the Shredder to knock down the front door, and storm into the kitchen, abruptly knocking the cupcake tray out of a startled Jackie's hands. Refuse his offer to join the elite Foot, did she?

Jackie will stare dumbfoundedly at the mess on the floor-the ruined batter-and her fists will slowly clench; her knuckles turn starkly white.

And then, she'll simply right-hook the Shredder upside the face. But not before tugging on Oven Mitts, of course.

After Jackie makes the Shredder mop up the kitchen, (And she will check for any leftover spots, as Jackie is not a slob) she'll make him start stirring a new batch of cake mix.

Of course, Saki will complain that he'll get flour on his gleaming steel-the last twinkle many poor souls who dared oppose him had seen glimmer before

So, Jackie will simply have to fetch the Shredder another apron. Now, the ancient Japanese crime lord can keep his dignity.

Once the second batch has come out of the oven unaccosted, with heavenly background music playing in the background

You'll have to fetch some sprinkles, of course, because cupcakes without sprinkles are simply heresy. And as a good, law-abiding citizen should, you

Of course, the Shredder refuses to take off his armor, so he'll simply have to borrow one of Jackie's bathing suits,

He figures this will cool him down, some.

Jackie's

Hanging around Jackie's bathroom in a suit of armor

But, as Shred-head doesn't particularly want to rust like the Tin Man, he'll oblige to stay on the beach, and watch Jackie splash about in the water.

He'll have to offer her some suntan lotion, though. N-Not that he cares, of course-it's just that he wouldn't appreciate one of his perhaps future operatives to go home with burns.

While Jackie is busy covering herself with coconutty cream, the Shredder will have to apply some on his armor. He doesn't want to broil like a piece of well-cooked sushi. Safety first.

He's getting some strange looks from passerby, especially considering that he has

a pair of dark sunglasses that he borrowed from Jackie on beneath his helmet visor. But hey-who's going to argue with a six foot, katana wielding samurai in full fledged war armor?

I thought so.

After awhile, Jackie will get tired of swimming, and will come back onto the beach. She'll suggest building a sand castle. Of course, Oroku Saki is beneath such idiotic, mundane, childish activities-but he'll still grudgingly comply to find a good spot near the water.

He says he's only humoring you, though he does have some remarkable ideas on how to correctly build a moat.

Shredder's gauntlet will keep getting in the way as you two try to sculpt it, so he has no choice but to press a button on his wrist, and allow his trademark, vicious looking blades to slide back into the contraption on his arm.

Then, he'll just have to press another, and allow a miniature shovel to extend out of his wrist, much to your fascination.

You make a mental note to see what exactly Shredder's other buttons do once you're done looking for pretty shells to stick into the sides of the castle.

You find a pile of pretty pink pebbles near the shore, and so Shredder will immediately try to stack them all into your bucket.

But he'll find, much to his chagrin….

It's too heavy!

Humiliated that Jackie has to help him lift the pail of pretty stones, he'll immediately demand that you two leave the beach, for he now wants to work out at the gym.

Jackie will be nonplussed, but you've been out at the beach for over three hours, now, so you think you might be ready to head back.

Once you've arrived at the Gym, the Shredder will pull a yelping, innocent bystander off of a nearby treadmill. You'll have to tug him off by his (nonexistent?) ear for a quick time out in the corner where children are having their weekly Fun Run.

Once you've decided that Shredder's had enough time pouting near a bunch of children singing 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes,' THEN he'll be allowed back on the treadmill.

After that, he'll decide to lift some weights. Most unfortunately, when he runs out of weights, he starts running after screaming people to try juggling.

Jackie thinks that she might have to wait awhile before coming again.

But soon after that catastop-exercise, it's time for Karate Class. Jackie may not be ready to slice a board in half with her bare hand, she's still able to flip the Shredder onto his back. Yet again.

After that, the Shredder will tear off his martial arts uniform that he's put over his armor, and start cantering again on the treadmill.

After awhile, even the Shredder gets tired. He hops off the treadmill, and demands that you take him to the park for a walk. Privately, you're just grateful Old Bucket Breath is paying your gas bill.

Once you arrive at the park, the Shredder will insist on climbing an enormous hill. Jackie is just relieved that he isn't driving up it-he offered to drive on the way there. All things considered, it wasn't so bad-there were only a few roadblocks set up behind them, and only a few pedestrians had had to _really_ dive for the sidewalks.

It'll take the two of you awhile, but panting and sweating, you'll arrive at the top of the hill, where seemingly, the whole world is stretched out in front of you. You remember that it really IS a beautiful day when the air starts playing with your hair, and the sky is overflowingly blue up ahead.

Shredder, however, isn't one for Hallmark moments, and instead notices a large, glimmering lake ahead of you.

He'll insist on taking you out rowing-not that he cares for Jackie's company, of course. He just wants another opportunity to stretch out his muscles once again, and show off.

Jackie admittedly does not mind. While apologizing to the terrified Renters for Shredder's threats to call down the Purple Dragons on them for their devious prices, the villain will drag the heavy boat down to the water, impatiently splashing the oars as he stares at you irritably.

He'll declare himself Captain, and you Galley Slave, but considering you don't have to row, it's not all that bad. Besides, you get promoted to first mate and Navigator by the time you reach the middle of the lake.

By the time the two of you are rowing to the opposite shore, he'll notice a nearby Merry-Go-Round twirling nearby. He'll scoff at such idiocy; proclaiming that the thing could never hold HIS weight-all muscle, of course.

Jackie privately thinks it'd be his ego or his big mouth that would stop the carousel from turning. To be honest, either one or the other seems to require its own zip code.

Of course, there's no other alternative now-Jackie wants to take a ride, and the Shredder decides to test the stupid machinery. Once you two reach the shore, Jackie finds a sea turtle to sit on, while Shredder-as the Hammerhead shark he wanted was taken-had no choice but to take a purple-backed seahorse. It groans quite a bit as he sits on it with whatever dignity he has left. Which, admittedly, is not much.

Surprisingly enough, the carousel DOES hold as it spins around merrily, soft music playing in the background. The Shredder rolls his red eyes and says that at any second, he'll hop off of this…thing. He grabs Jackie's arm, informing the affronted woman that he'd simply tug her off if he made such a whim.

Surprisingly enough, all he did was hold on for dear life.

When the ride is done, the Shredder still wants to complain about something-which, in this case, was the turtle Jackie was riding on. The Shredder says the turtle isn't really a turtle at all-just a tortoise body with the wrong shell.

Jackie tried to remind him that it was a periwinkle-colored turtle to begin with, therefore most inaccurate. But the Shredder is obdurate, and will insist that the two of you visit your local museum to take a look at the biology exhibit.

Instead of going to the biology sector on Evolution, however-the Shredder will stop, and become entranced by some enormous dinosaur bones. He'll then confide in you some plans for World Domination by obtaining some colossal, robotic replicas to terrorize the populace.

Jackie will remind him that the population has already been harassed by an anthropometric dinosaur for years, and that the Shredder could spare the world his cruelty so long as he didn't raise an unholy army of dinosaurs that sung and danced.

Finally, when the two of you are kindly escorted out of the museum when the Shredder attempts to take control of a futuristic war machine, the two of you at last head home, absolutely exhausted. Shredder is about to declare that he's up for some early-evening Tennis, but falls asleep into the Passenger seat before he can do so.

You stop on the way home for a box of Pizza, but that's about it. Though you wonder if Shredder won't somehow be reminded ofItalyby supper, and stipulate that the two of you go there, posthaste.

But right now, you're just happy for pizza.

The two of you arrive back home, and while Shredder insists he enjoys nothing but the best palette in his fortress, you still have to order another box or two.

After awhile of quiet relaxation-and some cartoons-you realize the trunk is still full of your beach towels. Sadly, the two of you must get up once again.

You brush the sand off the towels outside, so it doesn't trail in (Though it invariably does.). The Shredder will look at you, and look at the sand.

Then at you.

Then at the grains of sand still flying in the air.

Then at you again.

The grains of sand lying on the sidewalk will remind him of a certain something….

Sprinkles.

As the two of you make your way back inside, (Of course, he'll be toting the stuff) he'll hesitate a few moments before shyly asking you for some.

It's a strange request to make, but you oblige-giving him his choice of chocolate, or sparkly. Of course, he'll elect for the latter.

As you're putting the towels in the hamper, you close your eyes and smile faintly when you hear him calling your name again.

Because chances are, if the Shredder wants sprinkles…..

….he'll want a cupcake or two to go with it.


End file.
